Breaking news from Knoxville, where after multiple complaints of multiple bears roaming the city, one young bear was captured on Sutherland Avenue. Area cats remain apathetic.

With the rash of Anti-Gun, Zero-Tolerance going around lately, I can only say — kids, don’t try this at school!

The last time I had to work on an MF Audi, the MF small, plastic valve cost MF $360, and an hour of my time trying to get the MF clamps off of the MF hoses — and it still didn’t MF fix the problem. But these MF’s fix MF Audis, and, to sweeten the deal, if you buy a MF car from them, they give you a MF FREE TATTOO from one of Knoxville’s most prestigious MF tattoo parlors. That’s just MF crazy…

At least it wasn’t a Terrorist Lobster who ran into the middle of the kitchen screaming, “Arthropodu ackbar!” while detonating an improvised explosive device… I really hate when that happens.

While we’re at it, I’ll just go ahead and believe everything on the Internet is true, politicians never lie, the check actually is in the mail, and that the red eyes and cotton mouth aren’t actually the first stage of anaphylactic shock because weed is actually good for me given that it’s all natural — just like uranium, arsenic and lead… Thank you! Drive through…